I was born in a Central European, ex-communist country, in the early 1980s. I lived a few years under communism, then in 1989 came the change of regime and the miracle system called democracy has begun by us too.
Or almost the generation of my parents thought this change of regime would change everything else as well. But 30 years have passed since then and the time confirmed it was not so. There are things that changed and really got better, and there are things which are worse or at least just as bad as before, within the country.
I was raised in a small rural town until I was 14, where nature was close and you could still really smell the rain-soaked ground.
I finished the elementary school and the junior high school here.
By this time, I have already noticed that all the adults were wearing “masks” and also the school system was stigmatizing its students. I formulated this for myself when I was about 7, though in a childlike language.
Somehow no one seemed to be „real”. So I started to observe the adults, in what situation how they behave, what they say and then how they act. I realized that in most of the cases there was a big difference between words and actions.
Later, more mature, I understood that actually everyone was wearing masks “for survival”, including myself. I noticed I had become one of the hypocrites. But where and what went wrong? And mostly: why? Why can’t we just be what we are? Why do we need these mostly degrading or down-to-earth categories to stigmatize each other and ourselves?
It was terribly tiring to see this shallow world, so I spent a lot of time alone reading, playing with animals or just relaxing in the nature.
And in the meantime, there was the opposite side of my life. In spite of the above mentioned, I liked going out with others for trips or other joint activities where I really enjoyed myself.
So a huge duality and the ‘I-can’t-find-my-place-here’ feeling accompanied this era.
I don’t know if it was due to the time I’ve spent alone, but eventually I got close to myself very early. My inner world seemed to be a chaotic but explorable and exciting terrain where, besides, nobody else but only I could fool myself by wearing all kinds of masks. I really liked it, and I tried to observe myself as much as I could. I tried to learn about myself, and then to observe also in others what I’ve explored inside me: do they also have what I do inside me or if not, what do they have instead?
I also had intuitions very early, but at that time I didn’t know what to do with them or what they were exactly. I couldn’t even talk about them with anyone.
Sometimes I made the “mistake” that if I trusted someone or if I wanted to help someone, I tried to speak about them, but the answer was 99% negative, so I realized it’s better not to force it.
Later I learned from our maternal grandmother, who prayed every night before going to sleep, Our Father and Hail Mary.
The ritual itself that my grandmother prayed every night, I really liked, and from the time I learned Our Father, I also „prayed”.
Many times this routine has given me a fixed point. When I felt that no one understood me, that prayer was there, and much later, also when I was already on the path of the Usui Spiritual Healing Method, I said it sometimes, just for myself.
At first, of course, praying was more about “selfishness”. As a kid, if I wanted to get or access something, I included it in prayer. Sometimes I had a complete list of what I was asking for, which was longer than the prayer itself 🙂 So I wasn’t practicing Thanksgiving at that time. Later I realized that true prayer was actually a prayer of thanksgiving. But nobody said that before.
I graduated from high school in a big city. Living there in a hall taught me a multilevel adaptibility that would be of great use later in my life. Mostly in human knowledge, self-knowledge and flexibility.
The world opened up here, and I also met a friend who lent me a book from Osho: ‘My Way: The Way of the White Clouds‘. Thanks to the existence of Japanese martial arts, namely the Aikido, thanks to Osho and his writings, I finally met Master Dae Chong and the Tradition of Reiki, which changed my life completely.
But back to my childhood which was basically characterized by duality.
I mean for example:
I like to remember …
… the proximity to nature, the animals, how good it was to be with my brother, and because I’ve always been amazed at how skillful he is to connect with people, I really wanted to be similar to him.
Then I also remember my younger brother’s arrival, we had a couple of adventures with him as well, though less – because of the age gap – than with my elder brother.
… the smell of the ice cream and freshly baked cakes at the confectioner’s in our small town and I think they still sell the best ice creams in the world with divine flavors 🙂
… the summers we spent at lake Balaton in the paternal grandparents’ house and those summers in our small town in the maternal grandparents’ house.
… dad teaching me how to ride a bike and the smell of our old, Russian car and how good it was to slip ass in the snow or sit behind my dad on the motorbike 🙂
… the brass band adventures and how talented my brothers are in making music, and how many good musicians I have met, so that I have an insight into the artists’ daily struggles, too.
Today I think back even to the difficulties with gratitude:
… when I realized that the state was not led by wise people, but only by financiers. And that the law is full of loopholes that only benefit criminals.
… And that if the statesmen were wise, the lawsuits wouldn’t have to take that long (years and years). Only wise men who see people for what they are, should be able to “judge” their fellow human beings, because then it is no longer a judgment, but really serves learning and development.
… when I realized that when one is in trouble, one cannot count on everyone, even if one is a minor. If your parents make a mistake, people stigmatize you at school, adults ask you in the street, stopping your way to pull out from you what they couldn’t from your parents, intimidating you with their physical superiority until you respond.
… when I realized that the man-made system was fundamentally unfair. That most people in our tiny little country learn to work the system out of survival (and not malice). So, though on the one hand we become wily old foxes in this system, on the other hand – confessing it to ourselves or not – , we will enter into spiritual compromises, which we will always find excuses for.
… when I realized that it is possible to live a life blaming everything and everyone, but never changing ourselves.
… when I realized that although my closest loved me the way they could, with a pure heart, they didn’t really understand me, and I was basically alone with a lot of thoughts and feelings. That no one could see who or what I really am. And I didn’t really know who I was or what I was here for.
… when I realized that everyone was wearing masks. Including myself.
So my childhood was filled with this duality. Although I was loved, I still wanted to get rid of the hypocrisy of myself and others. Not to hurt others, but to exist as Myself, to be allowed by everyone to walk my own path, while still being able to exist in relation to others, without disguises and games.
I really felt the attraction to those paths, where Masters were giving teachings. This is how I met the magical Japanese culture itself, including Zen Buddhism, the martial arts and last but not least, Reiki. Now I already know, I was always looking for a Master. Already at a young age.
I believe, it is because of the heartfelt desire and prayers that I was finally able to meet my Master when I was a student.
Our common adventure with Master Dae Chong began in 2004…